5 Manipulations of Narcissists with Dr. Liz

Transcript

(edited for clarity)

hi everyone Dr Liz here.  I just did a video on five beliefs of narcissists – what’s running around in their head –  that addresses their behavior five beliefs. And now this one is five tools of narcissists / emotional manipulators so perhaps someone’s not a narcissist but they manipulate a whole lot but these are five tools that they’ll typically use all right.

NPD Manipulation #1 – Covert Badering

Covert badgering is tool number one. That’s to bother someone incessantly either behind your back or by convincing you that something is wrong with you. So it’s okay to Badger you that’s what’s going on. So they’ll plant ideas within their victim’s head, within the brain ,the mind that something is wrong with them really. Then they have like a platform to jump off of. So since something is wrong with you then then you need to do XYZ. So since something is wrong with you since you have no motivation then you need to make sure that you um get up in the morning and exercise or whatever they’re planting to make whatever requests they have sound more reasonable

NPD Manipulation #2 – They offer tiny traces of disappointment when you say no

Two they offer tiny traces of disappointment when you say no which then sways you to cooperate. So this is typically more in the beginning of a relationship, the trace of disappointment, and then what will happen is that as they become more comfortable as a relationship goes on that will escalate. It’ll get more and more extreme worse and worse. So at some point they’ll fly off the handle for like something you say. It’s like 0 to 100 like boom they’re like super angry all of a sudden. But generally they start with tiny traces of disappointment and they do this to get you to do whatever they want you to do. They know that most people don’t like anger and don’t like fighting back. It’s very reactive usually. They’re picking victims that are conflict avoidant. Let’s say the person doesn’t like a whole lot of conflict or it’s scary to them so then they will do that in order to get them to do what they want them to do.

NPD Manipulation #3 – They will very subtly mention what other people do for them

Three more sophisticated ones will very subtly mention what other people do for them or what previous people did for them. And they often subtly follow up with how wonderful those people are or were and how much they loved or like them as a way to communicate to you what they want you to do for them. And it depends how sophisticated they are. They may even say like oh I know you would never do something like that because you know that’s not really like you. They’re really manipulating you that way. They’re trying to get you to do it so be aware.

NPD Manipulation #4 – They are irritable so they make sure that they get what they want

All right moving on to four. They are irritable so they make sure that they get what they want so that they’re not irritable. So they’ll be very irritable so that you learn to get them what they want. So that you learn to try to work as hard as you can so that they won’t be irritable. So they’re sort of you know not flying off the handle like they do sometimes, they’re not going straight to anger, but they’re irritable. And they’re like  so you learn to be quiet or to not watch TV when perhaps you want to or to not be on your phone because then they’re they’ll be irritated by that. So they start to control your behavior with irritation. All right let’s do one more here.

NPD Manipulation #5 – They edit reality. They only talk about things that make them look good or their victims look bad

I have a list of like 20 so we’re just doing five today. They edit reality. They only talk about things that make them look good or their victims look bad. So most of us know that there’s all kinds of sides to a story and that even when it’s a good friend we’re getting their side of the story. And people that are more reasonable will point out often just as part of conversation the other side of the story.

They may say something like oh um I know I wasn’t paying attention and so then uh the customer wasn’t too happy and I missed something they said. And then you know the customer got even more unhappy or something like that. Even when they’re telling a story they’ll do it. You can listen for that.

An emotional manipulator, a narcissist will not. It’s always the other person’s fault no matter what happens. Somehow they are the victim no matter what happens. Or somehow they are the hero. So they’ll do that like they were the hero of the situation, they saved the day somehow or they were the better person.

You know that person whoever they’re talking about was not polite to them or they made some nasty comment or something like that. They will literally tell lies or twist words or just make up things – that’s telling lies okay – to make themselves look like they are the better person and they didn’t do anything wrong. So someone’s doing that and even when you say well you know maybe that person was having a bad day . . .  let’s say you do a very um soft confrontation about that, offering a different perspective . . . they will typically not take that at all. In fact they’ll consider that an insult and depending on what level your relationship is with them they may get very angry and go off on you for that, Or even say things like are you criticizing me. Do you think I should have handled that differently – it’s always typically tinged with anger or irritability in there, So you’re not even really able to confront them about anything or offer a different perspective without them shutting you down. So you learn pretty quickly not to do that all.

Right there’s five of them for you all right. Stay aware people and if you want more information about this, I have a whole playlist about narcissists, particularly Narcissistic Mothers.

Or if you need more help with it then I do work with victims of narcissists and as well as adult children of narcissistic parents all right. Peace.

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Peace and Health,
Dr. Liz