Teens and Differentiation – How to Help them Grow Up!

One of my friends said no to something her teen wanted to do . . . the apocalypse broke out! When we started talking about it, it occurred to me that the opportunity to help her teen with “Differentiation” was at hand! I explain it all in this video. The transcript is below if you prefer to read instead!

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hi everyone dr. liz here remember I work
with parents

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I don’t always work with teens unless
they’re coming in for something specific

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like hypnosis but I have a good tip for
you today for my teen tip series so one

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of my friends has a 16 year old and she
wanted to go do something that she said

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the mom said no to and the teen was
upset but she was also upset that her

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mom wasn’t upset that she didn’t get to
do that okay like the mom is the one who

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said no maybe but the teen once the mom
to feel sad for her that she didn’t get

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to go on this trip that she wanted to go
on with another friend now this is just

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such a great example of differentiation
in undifferentiated what is

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differentiation well it is one of the
major tasks of adolescence and it

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extends well into adulthood it’s also a
stage that couples go through or

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sometimes they don’t go through that
affects the relationship very deeply

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particularly if they never go through
differentiation they really get into

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like wanting the other person to feel
what they feel and if they don’t then

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maybe they’re not empathetic or you
know maybe they’re you can insert some

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curse words in here or something like
that okay differentiation I’m gonna give

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you a formal definition here is the
ability to identify and express

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important parts of yourself it’s about
telling your partner our friend your

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mother a child whatever whoever you want
to insert in there what you think feel

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and desire you are taking a risk putting
yourself out there differentiation from

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one’s partner is the ability to be
curious about what your partner says

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while managing your own emotional
reactions so that definition comes from

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Ellyn Bader and they run a year-long very
in-depth training program about couples

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therapy and I just completed that to add
to all of my other education about a

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couples therapy but it helps so much in
terms of your parenting is what I found

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anything I’ve learned about couples
helps in my

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parenting so this is a task of adolescents to
say hey you know it’s okay if you feel

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upset right as a parent it’s okay if you
feel upset I don’t have to feel that way

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and the world is still okay all right it
doesn’t mean that I don’t sympathize

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with what you’re feeling that I can’t
identify what you’re feeling I can I can

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see that you’re sad and upset and you
would have preferred to go on the trip

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but it doesn’t mean that I have to take
that on to be connected to you okay I

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can still remain connected to you I’m
not taking on your feelings and this is

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such a good skill for anyone to learn
and to work on it’s a constant progression

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I say in therapy a skill to work on so
sorry about that I hope this helps

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someone figure out if you have like one
of those crazy teen moments where

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they’re like what??? they want me upset
about they didn’t get to go on the trip

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I’m the one that said no right that’s
what’s going on it is part of

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development its developmental stage
they’re going through and you can help

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them by not taking in their feelings by
holding steady and yours and saying it’s

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okay if you feel that way I don’t have
to feel that way to you okay that will

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be an aid to them it will not mean that
you’re not an empathetic parent all

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right so I hope that helps someone out
there remember you can always get free

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stuff over at my website including
hypnosis file to reduce stress and

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anxiety so that may be helpful to you if
you’re a parent of a teen

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it’s drLizhypnosis.com d-r-L-i-z
hypnosis.com have a great day

Although my office is in Broward county and the Fort Lauderdale / South Florida area, I work with people all over the world. If you would like the magic and science of custom hypnosis, schedule a free consultation to see if we’re a good fit to work together using the link below or above.

Yours in health,
Dr. Liz

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