The stages of coupleshipOne Myth about Couples

With everyone locked up together, tensions between partners are running pretty high. Even if you normally get along, conflict is creeping in.

One common myth is that you should feel good about your partner most of the time, even during quarantine. This gets played out in your head like, “Geez, we’re fighting again. Shouldn’t I feel good around my partner?”

This train of thought can also lead to “perfect partner” fantasies – someone out there that would just be soooo much better for you and you’d get along alllll the time and have endlessly hot sex (especially during quarantine).

Now let’s talk about Truths

  • Couples go through periods of conflict, sometimes for months or years before they figure it out.
  • Couples annoy each other pretty constantly (hopefully not on purpose).
  • Couples that never fight and seem to always get along often are not developing or deepening their relationship. Often, they’re avoiding conflict. They’re not addressing what they need to address to truly know each other and build the skills to speak the truth, accept each other, and make concessions and compromises. They often feel lonely in their marriages or frozen, unable to make changes or talk about important topics.
  • Couples go through Growth Cycles in their relationships, but rarely line up on the same cycle. For example, one person is experimenting with discovering new friends or a hobby or a profession while the other one wants them to be home more. This may reverse later, meaning the other partner explores a new hobby while the first one feels more settled.
That last one is important! Be aware of these cycles. Be aware that conflict can mean you’re growing and working out things between the two of you. Encourage your own growth and the growth of your partner. That can often be the thing that helps you re-connect and get along better again. If you hang in there, and continue to learn about each other, the conflict will die down and you’ll be closer to the next cycle.  Read more in depth about Growth Cycles . . . 

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P.S. If the fighting is off the scale and is always about the same things that never seem to get solved, then consider getting professional help either for yourself or for both of you. Individual therapy can absolutely help you make changes in your marriage (or help you figure out whether you want to leave or not). Or check out the book, It Takes One to Tango: How I Rescued My Marriage with (Almost) No Help from My Spouse―and How You Can, Too