Marriages can change overnight. That’s not a typo. Marriages CAN change overnight. It takes a commitment in your own mind and heart and a shift of energy to make a marriage work but small changes can make huge differences in your marriage. Before you start making changes though, take some time to figure out what you want to do. Consider where you want the marriage to go, and how you want your marriage to feel. Then act.
Before we get started . . . Choose to see conflict and rocky places in the marriage as a gift. Those times help us stretch and grow as people and help us develop compassion for our partners and eventually deepen the marriage.
This does not include outright abuse, such as physical violence, verbal attacks, or abandonment whether through infidelity or addiction. Abuse needs to stop at once or one or both partners need to get help for them. If abuse doesn’t stop, the harmed partner has the right to leave the relationship.
Hopefully, your relationship is not abusive and you’re just here for a little help. Below are the warning signs of a marriage in trouble. If your marriage doesn’t change even after reading and acting on the suggestions in this book, I suggest finding a local couples therapist to get more in-depth help.
You can do “couples therapy” with one person going to therapy. That sounds heretical coming from a couples therapist. But if your partner is refusing to go for help, you can still go to therapy yourself to try to improve yourself and help improve the marriage.
If you enter therapy alone, be clear with the therapist that you are there to help the marriage. There has been some research that points to a greater rate of divorce if one partner is in therapy and the other is not. Most therapists will orient towards the client’s goals in regards to this and be careful to help them protect the marriage. Your partner may be more willing to join you in therapy later if they see positive changes in you and in the marriage, which generally leads to more happiness for them as well.
Warning Signs of a Marriage in Trouble
- Eye Rolling
- Name calling
- Hurtful comments
- Sarcasm that is hurtful
- No sex or happens infrequently
- No or very little attraction
- None or very little affection
- Either partner avoiding phone calls or emails
- Refusing to discuss things in the relationship
- Not wanting to talk to you, cutting conversations off
- Defensiveness – not being able to talk about most things without one or both of you becoming defensive about it
- Constantly working, to the point where you never talk or spend time together
- Criticism – being truly critical of your partner. Criticism is sometimes disguised as helpfulness or “honesty.” It feels good when your partner is truly trying to help you. Criticism makes you feel defeated, like something is wrong with you.
So what do you do if you have a couple of these or one of these warning signs even? That’s where the Ten Tips come in. There are very simple things you can do to help your marriage change, yes, overnight.
Tip 1: Adore your Partner
Marriages in which partners adore each other last longer. Makes sense, right? Who wouldn’t want to be with someone they think can do no wrong? We’ve all rolled our eyes at someone who just goes on and on about how wonderful their husband or wife is. Consider how it would be to feel that way about your partner.
Start to think of them that way. Ask yourself, “If I adored my partner, what would that look like?” How would you treat them? What would you say about them to others? How would your feelings towards them change? Then make small changes in how you treat them and how you talk about them to align with this goal.
If Adoring is a reach for you, start with “If I liked my partner more . . . .” Then dig deep and find things that you truly like and respect. Maybe they are kind to strangers or are great with kids. Maybe you both like the same popsicle flavor. Or maybe you like different ones and that works out perfectly in a box of 24. Think of the things you like about him or her and then begin to treat your spouse as if you like him or her all the time.
Get More Tips!
If you liked that one, I have 9 other Tips to get you started turning your marriage around. To get the full Ten Tips, download the E-book!
I specialize in hypnosis, anxiety and helping adult children of toxic parents feel more stable. To see if we’re a good fit to work together, schedule your free consultation at 954-309-9071.
Yours in health,