How not to kill your kids in the morning

Anger in the morning getting your kids out the door rules a lot of households! It doesn’t feel great though and is not a great way to start your day or your kids’ day! Try this one tip to change that pattern!

Transcript

Today’s topic is how not to be angry at your kids in the morning.

School has started back for most of the U.S and this means a lot of yelling tears and anger for a lot of parents in the morning trying to get their kids out the door in time. It is awful. I have been through this myself, this is why I made this video.

I have one child who can set her alarm, it goes off, she gets up, she gets herself ready and she is the one saying “Let’s go! Let’s go! Let’s go!” and I have another child who’s an absolute bear to get out of bed in the morning.

Last year, when this is going on, I realized I would start out really nice then I’d get more firm, and then I’d end up angry. Now we have tried charts and rewards, everything you can think of to make this an easier process in the morning and it works for a while, and then sometimes it’ll stop working no matter what that prize is and there’s only so many prizes I’m gonna offer to get a kid out of bed in the morning. (I’m not gonna say something like you’re going to Disney!)

What I realized is that the anger didn’t make a difference. So anger is a flag to us that something needs to change, that something has to be adjusted, and the anger wasn’t adjusting anything to her. Now it was a flag to me that something needed to change; meaning I needed to change. Often as parents, we believe that the child needs to change. So, if they would just get out of bed and get their shoes on and get in the car (or you know take their shoes and put them on the car whatever), everything would be fine. You’d be so much happier and that’s not really the truth. Sometimes, the anger is a signal that you need to change as a parent and once I realized this, I was like, “You know, I don’t need to be angry in the morning at all. Zero. It doesn’t make it different, so why don’t I just be happy in the morning? Why don’t I just decide to do that?

Now, this takes a lot of what I’m going to call self-soothing. Now parents talk about self-soothing all the time for their kids: How do I teach them to self-soothe, particularly when they’re babies, all this stuff, but sometimes they miss that they have to self-soothe themselves and some of us learn this skill better than others growing up. Sometimes we have to learn it as adults. Sometimes we learn it better as children or adolescents. It changes through the years what you’re gonna self-soothe about. So what it takes is telling myself, “You know everything’s gonna be fine, that child always gets in the car eventually. We’re actually never late for school, so why don’t I just change my attitude and say: Okay let’s go, time to go!” I can give the same reminders in a happy tone and I don’t have to feel my blood pressure rising in the morning. I can just be myself and feel good and be happy.

Now, when I made this change, her sister actually freaked out a little and she’s like “Why aren’t you angry at her in the morning? Why aren’t you yelling at her? and I’m like “Why would I? It doesn’t make a difference. Why not sing in the morning? I don’t know! (Actually singing is like my last resort. I’m like “All right, I’m gonna start singing if you don’t get out of bed!” and that usually gets her out of bed. A little tip for you!

I said you can choose to be happy too. You don’t have to be upset in the morning either. I always get you there on time, she always gets in the car just in the nick of time and once we changed to this plan, it took a while. It took some practice, the mornings were so much easier. They really were. They flowed smoother, she’s still a bear to get out of bed but they are happy mornings. I feel more centered, I feel more calm, I feel more ready to face the day and I think everyone else in the house probably does too. So, that’s my tip. Let me know how it works for you.

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Peace and Health,
Dr. Liz